The external athlete.

This weekend, I met with Tracy. A woman, who is bloody brilliant. A woman, whose specialty, just so happens to be in Sports Psychology.

It's no secret that I'm pretty mental when it comes to racing. So the Chief of Pain hooked me up with Tracy to see just what we can accomplish in 2 weeks time (nevermind the fact that we probably should've gone down this road a few months ago...but hey, I'll try anything at this point). My body is ready. It feels ready. Those trashed legs are getting their spring back...the saddle sores are slowly healing...and I'm actually starting to feel strong. Physically...I'm ready for the challenge. My head, however, still has some work to do to get into the game.

So Saturday morning, Tracy and I spent an hour together with her getting to know what makes me tick, how my body and head respond to pressure and pre-race anxiety (monkey talk and vomiting! but you knew this), going over worst case scenarios, calculating times, cutoffs and everything in between.

She gave me some homework to do, which involves a handful of different exercises to get my brain in line with my body...some relaxation-focused things. some visualization things. a good mix of some tweaks to my pre-race routine that will help foster inner zen.

We discussed how I believe my problem to be getting inside my own head. Turns out, the problem isn't exactly that. I'm allowing all of these external things to get inside my brain and fuddle things up. Tuning out on things is a bit more challenging than I anticipated. For the most part, I've been doing exceptionally well keeping the zone that we work hard to achieve during Saturday's session. I'm doing my brain games. Embracing new music. I picked up a new book today. And I've been enjoying all the distractions that I can find. And of course, I've been working on writing out the pre-race ritual. So I've been working on removing myself from stressful situations that will only add to my anxiety, and just finding my inner peace.

Two weeks isn't much time to change cognitive patterns, but I am certainly giving it a shot. I mean, what have I got to lose?

I also learned that external athletes are more driven by the end result, whereas internal athletes are more process-oriented. While this is the first time I have ever truly enjoyed training, I hardly qualify as an internal athlete (and we can all agree). I won't disagree with the whole "the journey is the reward" sentiment either. And I'm so excited to be there, in each moment of those 140.6 miles, but I'm most looking forward to having that medal draped around my neck and experience those last 100 yards of the race...and being able to stay out late and hang out at bars with friends...and go to concerts! (let's not discuss the fact I've bought 3 pairs of tickets in the past few days)...and drink (I'm having DREAMS of a frosty mug with golden deliciousness sparkling inside)...and not having to stick to a schedule or worry about whether or not my lunch is going to sustain me for a 10 mile run. I'm so looking forward to life after Ironman...where I can run just to run and not have to hit zones or crank out 5 miles at tempo in the middle of 15.

I'm just sort of at a breaking point. And that's okay. Because breaking is part of the process. Mental craziness is too. And mood swings. And devouring everything in sight. And everything else that falls in between.

Because in 10ish days, it will all be over.

And life can return to normal...

...even though I can't remember what "normal" was.