Traumatized.

I should really preface this post with the fact that I am no stick of a girl. I'm curvy. I've got a lil' bit of junk in my trunk. Some fabulously curvy hips. Enough oomph in my gut to indicate that I had a great time in college and still love to drink beer. Thighs that have chub rub. And to top it all off, I am the only one of my three sisters to inherit breasts.

By no means am I fat. But I am nowhere close to that skinny minny girl I was about 5-6 years ago.

So with that...I present to you, the very abridged version of..."Barb's First Wet Suit Experience."

The protagonist (that's me, B) happily walks into their local tri shop all bright eyed, bushy tailed and ever so hopeful with her husband (that'd be Mike). A few minutes after arriving, Intimidating Tri Dude (ITD for short) approaches and offers to help.

B: Hi...I'm looking for a wet suit.

ITD: Well you've come to the right place. What's your height and weight and I'll bring out a sample for you to try on.

blank stare from me

ITD: Okay...come whisper it in my ear so nobody else hears...

...okay. Just look around and I'll be right back.

I take a quick bathroom break because I know this is going to be a rather interesting experience for me and the last thing I want is to be stuck in a wet suit with a full bladder. I imagine it's comparable to having to pee while in your big poufy wedding dress, damn near impossible to get off quickly to handle the matter. After much relief I return to the dressing room and receive instructions from ITD.

ITD: So yeah...just but one foot in at a time...wiggle it up to your crotch as high as you can and then pull the rest on like a backwards vest. I'll be back in a few minutes to help zip you up and go over the suit with you.

B: Okay. Sounds easy enough.

I examine the wet suit. I knew from Mike's experience that this would be a bit of a challenge to get on. By no means will it just slide right on like a glove for a suit at this price point. I'd need to work at it a little bit. I strip down to my skivvies, toss on a tri-top and pulled the wet suit off the hanger.

Hmmm....definitely not like a pair of pants that you just step into. Let's go with the left foot first. Left foot goes in...hrmmm....stuck already?! That's odd. Let's try to shimmy it up my ankle a lil' bit. Hmm..yes...okay...that seems to work a bit. There we go. Argh...what the hell?! My sock is sort of cutting off my circulation. I probably should've taken those off, right? Okay...let's remove those...hrmm...argh...it's stuck between me and the wet suit....what the @#(&...I'm not sure which is more work, taking the sock off or putting the wet suit on...five minutes later we have "sock relief" and get back to business...woo! I can sort of see the arch of my foot now. VICTORY!!!

...okay...let's shimmy this thing up to my calf...tug...pull...oh crap! are my finger nails going to cut right through this neoprene? Just how hard can I pull this sucker without ripping? Hmm...don't want to try too hard on that front...I'm sure that ITD has a you break it you buy it policy. Let's be a little more gentle...pull...shimmy...oh *&%$ are you $)%(ing kidding me?! This $%)(& thing is !@(* near impossible to put on.

B: Uhmm...Mr. ITD? I think you gave me the wrong size.

ITD: Keep working on it, it's supposed to feel snug.

B: But...uh...I don't think it's supposed to feel like my leg is being suffocated. Do you have any Quick John suits?

ITD: No...besides you don't want a Quick John, you want full leg coverage. How far up do you have it?

B: Ummmmmmmmmmmmm....my left ankle.

Somewhere in the background Mike laughs at my misfortune.

ITD: Let me see if we have the next size up for you, but in the meantime keep on keepin' on.

I should mention by this point about 10-12 minutes have passed and I have worked up a full fledge sweat that would rival a 90 minute cardio workout. With one foot through, I start my way on the second leg. I try sitting. standing. hopping up and down on one foot to get this $#(&ing thing on. The same type of success eventually ensues.

So I'm standing there. In the dressing room. Almost to the point of tears. With two of my legs feeling like they're being suffocated. Convinced in my head that this $%(&ing thing is not going to make it past my thighs. I give it a valiant shot. But I honestly don't think there's enough neoprene to make it around my curvey upper legs. I simply can't pull the suit up.

B: Uhmm...excuse me!? Mr ITD...are you there? How the hell am I supposed to get this thing up? I can't get it to move? I've read about people using Pam/Crisco/Baby Oil to maneuver their way into the suit. Is that okay down the line?

ITD: Noooo....you never, ever, ever want to use those things. Let me get some suit juice for you to try.

Suit juice? you've gotta be kidding me.

ITD: Here (as he slides it under the door). Just a few squirts and it should slide right up.

easy as that eh? squirt....squirt...squiiiiiiiiiiiiiiirt...shimmy shimmy shimmy....maybe if i bend my body this-a-way...hrmm....no that doesn't work. maybe if i try it sitting down again...oooooh....that's no bueno...tug....pulll......shimmy...argh....%#!&....stupid #%*#ing thing...siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh...

B: Uhm. This isn't working. I've got it about halfway up my thigh and it's not going any farther.

ITD: Well we didn't have the next size up since we're in the off season. I'm really sorry.

M: Just pull it up, Barb.

B: I can't. I'm dying in here.

By now...20-25 minutes have passed. I'm drenched in sweat. I sit to catch my breath for a moment. Then peel the little success I had down off my legs. I want to cry. I try to convince myself that I really won't need a wet suit for the half ironman...which is a lie. I know I need it. I just can't bring myself to commit to one of these suckers right now. especially when it goes and makes a mockery of your body and simply breaks your heart. I have time. It'll be okay. Maybe some other day I'll be brave enough to just pull the bastard over my thighs all the way and onto my hips. Ah yes...one day I'll make that wet suit my bitch.

But not today.

And with that. The protagonist, feeling slightly defeated but mostly traumatized, went home with her husband.

-----------------------------------------

So fellow friends. I ask you. Can I get away with a QuickJohn suit for my triathlon? Or will I really need full leg coverage? Any advice for braving the beast to just get it on? Attempt #2 cannot go over like this or I will for certain have psyched myself out of a wet suit forever.

This "Oh Shit!" moment brought to you by...

So...I've been under the assumption that the training for our half IM would begin mid-January after we return from the Bahamas.

Not so much.

Yesterday I received an e-mail from Coach Mo which basically said...Training begins next week. I should have your schedules posted on Workoutlog.com within the next few days (while the plan is indeed posted, you won't be able to view it until after I complete the workout and copy it into my log).

Well...he had the first four weeks of my plan posted later that day.

And thus, the "Oh Shit!" moments commenced.

Ever since it's been a hint of excitement with a tinge of what the hell have I gotten myself into. Kind of like the episode of Saved By The Bell where Jessie took too many caffeine pills and went into a singing fit of "I'm soooooooooo excited...I'm sooo...soooo....scared!"

And to make matters worse, I can't find my Pinhead key for my bike (and no, the number was never written down, even though Mike registered it for me). Which means I can't get it set up on the trainer. Which means I am royally screwed. I just need to figure something out before our bike class starts up in a few weeks.

Anyhoo...the brand spankin' new aerobars are on my bike, and now I have the integral job of figuring out how to ride and navigate my way with them without crashing into every inanimate object on the road. Which is something I am surprisingly good at. But something tells me that'd result in a nice big fat DQ on the course.

...okay. It's time to go pick up my super cute thick black frame nerd reading glasses. But stay tuned as I still have to report on my oh so traumatic experience of finding a wet suit.

Hooray for the Holidays!

What a woooooooooooooooonderful Christmas it has been! My favorite future Ironman got everything he needed for the big beast in August...

...and I made out like a lil' bandit, too. :)

A new purse (with super cool Nicole Ritchie-esque shades--nice pick, Leah!)...a heart rate monitor...Guitar Hero III...gift card for SWA (who knew they had 'em!?)...some $ for Nordstrom...Atlas Shrugged...just to name a few things! (Oh yeah, I got a small raise, too, which was a HUGE surprise since I just joined the team). And the icing on the cake, due to a massive sale on Mike's Forerunner 305 at Fleet Feet, we had enough cash to get me AEROBARS for my darlin' lil' bike!!! Sweet, huh?

Twas a great holiday indeed. Aside from the fact I ate about 25 pounds too many of sugar cookies.

Training has been at a standstill since...hmm...the last time I ran...which was...uhmmm...like thirty billion years ago? Although I blame the slacking the past three days on god's gift to mankind, also known as Guitar Hero III. I'm strongly considering foregoing my running career to become a professional GH3 player extraordinaire!!!!!!!!!! I am seriously THAT good people.

Real training does begin in another week or two. I'm hoping to hop on the treadmill or the trainer in the next day or so to help me get my rear into gear. Because in order to tackle this...

...I have to be all super athletic endurance triathlete rockstar chick. And at this juncture, I'm sitting pretty at...super rockstar couch riding, guitar hero III playing chick. And that doesn't cross any finish lines.

But yeah...that's the BIKE ELEVATION CHART. Kansas ain't flat, folks. I iz scuuuuuuuuured.

Dude. My secret santa knows me too well! I have been looking for jayhawk running socks forever. Thank you whoever you are! You rock!

Happiness Is...

...getting to leave early on a Friday for well deserved holiday vacation until January (and an unexpected raise).

Safe travels to everyone and Happy Chrismahanukwanzakah to you!!

As an advertising geek, this is probably one of my favorite campaigns out there...enjoy!

It's Coming...

Team IRONMike Headquaters.

Happiness Is...

...having your own personal shopper tell you when all your favorite running shoes and favorite brands are on sale in your size. Why can't I come up with great ideas like this?

Check it out, Shop It To Me Running.

Not that's brilliant.

seriously stupid.

partying like a 19 year old on a saturday night when you're a 26 year old on a thursday night is a really, really, reaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaally stupid idea.

just sayin'...

Looking Forward

Recently I submitted my PTO request for a good chunk of 2008. All the way through August, actually. It's nice because in 2008 I hit the 5 year mark with my agency...so not only do I get a small, humble bonus in August (seriously, it's small...), but I get bumped up to the next cluster of days off, which is super nice. :) No longer do I get 18 PTO days...I now get 23. Which seems a bit silly as I've never actually used ALL 18 days (we also get 4 summer days and 2 floating holidays which can be taken whenever we want...plus we have a half day before any federal holiday...and sometimes they like to close the office "just because they can"...like the week between Christmas and New Year's...we just shut down. Sweet, huh?). So yes...next year, I'm determined to try and take all 23 if possible.

And it's funny how I already know exactly which days I need off (and even with all this time off, I still have another 9 PTO days plus all the other crazy days off). Which can only mean one thing...

I've already got the framework of my 2008 race calendar pulled together.

So...here's what we're looking at, campers. I'm still waiting on a few dates to be announced, but it looks to be a great season, with minimal "small" races. I really want to focus on improving my half marathon time and crank out a few solid triathlons...

2.17.08 - Palm Springs Half Marathon...to be completed together with my sisters and mum.
3.XX.08 - Shamrock Shuffle 8k...it's tradition!
4.6.08 - St. Louis Half Marathon...my dad's first full marathon! I'll hopefully be able to keep him company for a few miles in the back half.
5.17.08 - Galena Triathlon...assuming I own a wetsuit by this point, I'll do the tri. Otherwise, I'll do the du. This course will be a trial run for the KSIM 70.3.
6.6-7.08 - MC 200...smelly, cranky, exhausted runners. A tragically awesome recipe for disaster. Fun times.
6.15.08 - Kansas Ironman 70.3...The first "A" race of the year. Bring it.
7.13.08 - Danskin Women's Triathlon. Still tinkering with this race as I looooooooved doing it last year, and it was my "tri virgin" race. So if any certain someones decide to join in for their first tri, I'll definitely be doing it...otherwise it's considered pending
8.XX.08 - Chicago Distance Classic...assuming the weather is ideal...this race will hopefully hold a half mary PR for me.
8.28.08 - Accenture Chicago Triathlon...Olympic Distance. The second "A" race of the year.
8.31.08 - Ironman Louisville. Better him than me. It'll be a grand ole time.
10.12.08 - Chicago Marathon...revenge on 2 consecutive years of extreme craptasmic weather. Things have to fall into place in 08...riiiiiiiiiight?

...unless I hit the jackpot...
11.2.08 - NYC Marathon...'nuff said.

And of course...I'll partake in the awesomeness that is the 2008 Turkey Trot next year on 11.20.08...Every year I manage to break my 8k PR on this course. Hopefully '08 will be no different. :)

Unexpected 5k.

Today's race could've been called many things...

Winter Warriors are Stupid
The Reindeer Icecapades
Running on a Skating Rink
Just Try And Stay Vertical
This is Snow Fun

But no. It was called the Rudolph Ramble. And yes. By the end of it I did have a shiny red nose.

To post a halfway respectable time you pretty much needed to be Michelle Kwan...and since I am neither of asian descent, nor am I a rockstar figure skater...I was pretty much screwed from the get go.

Hmm...I should probably give you some background. I was planning to run this race bandit (yay! first bandit race EVER!). Mike had registered for it a while ago...and since we're pretty much broke, I figured as long as one of us was a valid runner, we'd be okay. But when we woke up this morning, after hitting the snooze button for the upteenth time...Mike wasn't feeling so hot...dragging ass, and still questionably hungover from the Friday night debachary. So rather than waste the entry fee, I ran as him.

Now. This race was intended to be an 8k. And I was pretty amped to try and break the PR I set at the Turkey Trot a few weeks ago. But with all this super craptastic weather we've been having and because of construction on the running path, they rerouted it to a 5k. Greeeeeeeat. And of course, last night's freezing rain could only mean one thing...

TRAGICALLY! AWESOME! RUNNING! DAY!

I'm proud to say that I didn't fall down once. And that I was able to run the entire time with the exception of the bottleneck at the Fullerton underpass, and for about 10 yards around 2.5 miles because I needed to do some lunges to bring relief to my ever-aching hip flexors. You had a choice...try to brave it on the path and risk sliding around in ice...or opt for the slushy mush that got your feet wet...or run in ankle-deep snow. I tried all three...nearly killed myself and those around me in the process...but finally decided that the ankle-deep snow was the way to go (which so happened to be the most brutal on your thighs as well). A handful of runners fell and I saw a young gal being helped by the med staff--hopefully she was alright as it looked like a nasty fall.

But shit, man. Running in snow and ice sucks. And it's ridonkulously tough. My hips are SCREAMING at me right now. And despite my best efforts to post a halfway solid time, I barely broke 40 minutes. Uhmm...what the heck (that's my slowest 5k time). I had a 12:38 pace for a 39:14 finish (hah!). I can't sweat it too much though...since it's not technically my time...sorry Mike!

When I think about it, this was definitely on the list of the top 3 hardest races I ran this year (3rd behind the Chicago 26.2 and Lakefront 50/50).

Okay...it's time to warm up with a few cookies from yesterday's extravaganza and a nice afternoon nap...someone wake me up when it's April...I'm over this crap.

Let the beatings begin!!

So. We met with our HIM/IM Coach tonight...and Maurice is SO going to kick our asses.

And it is going to be SO.EFFING.AWESOME.

Looks like Mike and I only have another 3 weeks or so of slacking off and then it's hardcore...balls to the wall...no holds bar, training.

Our schedule will be full of two-a-days, indoor tris, century rides *gulp*, weight training, strength and flexibility classes, intervals and spinnervals. I am going to be one lean, mean, HIM machine.

I am officially amped.

Now if only I could get consistent on this maintenance training...

What's going on?

Hey there, friend. What's happening?

Oh...I'm good...what's that? You want to know what's going on with me? Oh...okay...well here you go...

In case you haven't heard, the Jayhawks are going to a BCS game. The Orange Bowl to be exact. I'm sure there are a few disgrunted Tigers in the house...but hey...we got what we deserved. As did you...you burn down our town...you get a crappy bowl game. At least that's my reasoning. :) I certainly don't get the whole BCS system, but I'm certainly not complaining. There's talks of an Orange Bowl party in the Jayhawk Casa...with Orange Glazed Chicken, Citrus Salad, and maybe even orange upside cake...we'll see how that transpires.

I still haven't had any luck finding that tragically awesome "Get A Degree With Teeth" commercial that Mizzou takes such great pride in. But I did find this...which is close enough. Feel free to give a little chuckle. If you ever have the chance to see the commercial, do it (it's essentially based on this print ad)...because the graphics are hilarious and it kinda makes you glad that you didn't go there (sorry Margo & Oz).

So the Jayhawks are going to a Big Kids Bowl Game for the first time in like...ever...and I ran a race this weekend. My one and only 5k of the year. And it sucked. Bad. I couldn't find my groove. My foot was throbbing. And I really just wanted it to be over before it ever even began. The weather was craptacular as the sky spit down sleet and snow the day before. My parents did fantastic. My dad was soooooooooooo close to placing in his age group. He averaged a pace of 9 and some change. Where the hell did he come from?! Seriously. He just decides to run...and he's good at it. In fact, he did his first 8 miler last week and completely rocked it. And he's got his first ever double digit run this weekend. My mom did a great job at the Jingle Bell Run as well...she shaved off 3 minutes from her previous 5k and was able to keep under a 15:00 pace. She, too...rocks.

As for me and my piss poor performance (of a 10:54 pace), I may find revenge by running bandit this weekend. Haven't decided if I'll cough up the money and register or not. It'll likely be a morning of decision. I've never run a race bandit. I like to think I've got a solid moral fiber. So we'll see how that pans out.

Sunday night was Modest Mouse with my hot date. It reminded me just how old I am. By the end of the show we were tired...and annoyed that we stank of smoke...and were sore from standing for so long. But yay for me knowing all the old school tunes. Funny to think I saw them 7+ years ago before anyone ever heard of them (but then again, all the music I like seems to fall in this category now-a-days).

The shower is fixed, finally. I didn't post about it...but things always seem to break and go wrong when we have company around. To make a long story short we had about 4 inches of standing water. Dirty, smelly, nasty water. Draino didn't work. Plunging made it worse. And eventually, it just backed up and stood there...dirty...smelly...and nasty...until our building engineer could fix the damn clog days later. Showering in our workout room was severely overrated. I've seen postage stamps that are bigger than that shower.

And what else happened? Phog turned three. And I've worked around 30-something hours in 3 days. Oh...and that weird, swollen, oh my god i'm going to die, thing...finally cleared up. I feel much better. I'm chalking it up to a swollen lymph node like Dr. Mike and Nurse Lisa all diagnosed.

So I had a minor panic attack earlier this evening. Little Miss Runner Pants so astutely pointed out that the Kansas 70.3 is only 6 months and eleven days away. That's scary. You think that's a long ways away...but it's really not. What's even scarier is that Mike's full Ironman is a little over 8 months away...eep!

We're hoping to meet with Maurice tomorrow to get all the details of our training plan ironed out. Something tells me I'm going to be scared out of my mind...

God help us...

Float On, indeed.

Yay modest mouse!