...answerless.
Editor's Note: This is in no way a running post, despite the fact I mention some derivative of the word 'run' twice. If you've come to this blog for your weekly dose of a jayhawk training report...I'm sorry to disappoint. You're just going to have to wait another day or so...effing deal with it. I'm in a funk and need to just write.
have you ever just sat back and wondered how the hell did i get to where i am today?
...and not just today as in...right now, this minute...10:19 am on February 15, 2007...i got here by walking to work and going to the 20th floor crap...
...but here...in life...the ideals of the moment...encapsulating the intangible...
stuff like like why am i here in chicago? ...sure, i love the city, but it's not where i want to spend every last day of my life...and I'm effing sick of this craptastic weather, for the record, which is huge considering winter is my favorite season. ...or why was it my sister who was diagnosed with cancer and not someone else...or why did i start running...but more importantly, why haven't i stopped? ...what am i running from? ...and why the hell am i going for a triathlon? (oh.come.on...we all know i'm in over my head) ...and what made me lose that spontaneous spark i used to have... and why, aside from dumb luck, am I here, at this job, and not somewhere else... why was I picked? ...and why the hell do i roll with the punches so much now? ...what happened to that fire...that fight...that drive? ...can we change fate? does fate exist? ...why do i wear my heart on my sleeve? ...it goes on and on and on...
...if i could turn back time and shift one small decision of a fraction of an inch...would i still be sitting here...in this cube...in this chair...in this life...
...i think it goes both ways. maybe not a drastic shift...but perhaps one to sway my/your smile a little brighter...or make me/you a little more humble...
one small, seemingly insignificant decision can instantly impact your life forever. but more importantly, we often fail to realize that that small, seemingly insignificant decision, can and will inevitably impact someone else. sometimes for the better...sometimes for the worse...
your life is not your own. ...and right now, more than ever, i want to scream this from the top of the sears tower.
i think people get so wrapped up in satisfying themselves, that they lose sight of this.
it's funny how one college course forever changed my outlook on life (nevermind the fact i failed the first paper, although receiving my first D- was a humbling experience for this overachiever, but it made me a better person). because of j101...i argue smarter. i actually thirst to understand an opposing perspective. i want to wrap myself in a situation to completely understand it. i am actually capable of admitting that there is a chance that i could be wrong (and the fact that sometimes others are totally not able to do that drives me insane).
that course should be a prerequisite for life. because maybe then, people would live a little bit better...think a tad more smarter...be a little kinder...and maybe, just maybe the world would be a better because of it.
...but i'm coming to terms with the fact that some situations, perhaps aren't meant to be understood (whether i like it or not...which i don't for those of you keeping score). they're out of reach. above my head. out of sight, but never out of mind. and that is where i struggle. i want answers to questions that can't be asked...or maybe answers to questions i'm too afraid to ask (i'm not sure...perhaps i fear the answers more?). i want to wrap my head around things that i know i'll never understand. such questions plague my mind. i want things fixed. i want to fix...and be fixed. and not in the bob barker 'have your pets spayed and neutered' type way.
.......i..........i just want answers. life's answers. my life's answers.
but there are none.
so i sit here. in this cube. at this desk. in this comfy black swivel chair. in this moment at 11:24...
...answerless.
Now Playing: tinkering between Coldplay - Fix You and Smashing Pumpkins - Adore (yes, the whole album)
have you ever just sat back and wondered how the hell did i get to where i am today?
...and not just today as in...right now, this minute...10:19 am on February 15, 2007...i got here by walking to work and going to the 20th floor crap...
...but here...in life...the ideals of the moment...encapsulating the intangible...
stuff like like why am i here in chicago? ...sure, i love the city, but it's not where i want to spend every last day of my life...and I'm effing sick of this craptastic weather, for the record, which is huge considering winter is my favorite season. ...or why was it my sister who was diagnosed with cancer and not someone else...or why did i start running...but more importantly, why haven't i stopped? ...what am i running from? ...and why the hell am i going for a triathlon? (oh.come.on...we all know i'm in over my head) ...and what made me lose that spontaneous spark i used to have... and why, aside from dumb luck, am I here, at this job, and not somewhere else... why was I picked? ...and why the hell do i roll with the punches so much now? ...what happened to that fire...that fight...that drive? ...can we change fate? does fate exist? ...why do i wear my heart on my sleeve? ...it goes on and on and on...
...if i could turn back time and shift one small decision of a fraction of an inch...would i still be sitting here...in this cube...in this chair...in this life...
...i think it goes both ways. maybe not a drastic shift...but perhaps one to sway my/your smile a little brighter...or make me/you a little more humble...
one small, seemingly insignificant decision can instantly impact your life forever. but more importantly, we often fail to realize that that small, seemingly insignificant decision, can and will inevitably impact someone else. sometimes for the better...sometimes for the worse...
your life is not your own. ...and right now, more than ever, i want to scream this from the top of the sears tower.
i think people get so wrapped up in satisfying themselves, that they lose sight of this.
it's funny how one college course forever changed my outlook on life (nevermind the fact i failed the first paper, although receiving my first D- was a humbling experience for this overachiever, but it made me a better person). because of j101...i argue smarter. i actually thirst to understand an opposing perspective. i want to wrap myself in a situation to completely understand it. i am actually capable of admitting that there is a chance that i could be wrong (and the fact that sometimes others are totally not able to do that drives me insane).
that course should be a prerequisite for life. because maybe then, people would live a little bit better...think a tad more smarter...be a little kinder...and maybe, just maybe the world would be a better because of it.
...but i'm coming to terms with the fact that some situations, perhaps aren't meant to be understood (whether i like it or not...which i don't for those of you keeping score). they're out of reach. above my head. out of sight, but never out of mind. and that is where i struggle. i want answers to questions that can't be asked...or maybe answers to questions i'm too afraid to ask (i'm not sure...perhaps i fear the answers more?). i want to wrap my head around things that i know i'll never understand. such questions plague my mind. i want things fixed. i want to fix...and be fixed. and not in the bob barker 'have your pets spayed and neutered' type way.
.......i..........i just want answers. life's answers. my life's answers.
but there are none.
so i sit here. in this cube. at this desk. in this comfy black swivel chair. in this moment at 11:24...
...answerless.
Now Playing: tinkering between Coldplay - Fix You and Smashing Pumpkins - Adore (yes, the whole album)
posted by Iron Jayhawk at 10:06 AM
21 Camper Comments:
I wish I had the answer for you.
Why?
Because...
1. You are not in over your head.
2. You crave challenge.
3. Chicago seemed like a good place for you and Mike to make a home.
4. You are still spontaneous.
5. 20th floor: not a bad view.
6. Life's questions challenge you to reach far, beyond your field of view, beyond yourself.
That's why.
Hey Jayhawk, lean in here I have a secret for you. We all have moments like this, feel better.
What if we had all the answers? What would happen then? We wouldn't be alive (at least as we know "alive" to be). This is probably good fodder for an LJ entry for me. I might link to it and maybe quote from it. I think all the answers are out there, but the path get to all of them is beyond our scope of understanding, and more importantly, irrelevant to our lives, anyhow.
Don't stop questioning. Don't stop learning. But don't stop loving the journey, either.
Wtf, blogger?! That's my question, AND I WANT THE ANSWER!
Cory http://www.myspace.com/coryma
A fishie once told me that smiles are waiting in Urbana, Illinois.... but you know how silly those Bily fishies are :) Love ya girl.
Barb, there are mysteries in life that we will NEVER be able to solve. That's part of God's plan. It's our own job to figure out those mysteries. Hell, I am still trying to figure out how I always seem to come on top during the most of disasterous situations...and with a smile on my face. Josh is even amazed that I am still the wonderful woman that I am and did not turn into a total bitch over the years and made a comment about it over the weekend.
I believe it's all of the positive reflection that I do on a daily basis. Positive thinking has helping over the years and helped me to over around the negative stuff.
Here's a quote to think about that I found: "Negative thinking clouds the soul and poisons the mind."
Catch the wave and go with the flow.
Hugs to you Barb. I can't offer inspriation but I can offer support. I am in quite a funk as senior year wraps up. Time to be a grown up. Lots to chew on.
I know I'm just a baby, but if you need an ear... let me know. :o) I owe you big time.
girl, i know EXACTLY how you feel. i sometimes wish i could at least be given some sort of small sign about SOMETHING, ANYTHING. but the only way the answers to life come is by living it :)
hugs, chica.
Ever since I moved to Chicago, and even more since my mom died I wish I had answers because this isn't how I planned my life but I wake up each day with the desire to do just one good thing for someone and hope that life's questions will answer themselves at the right time.
I wish I had more answers for you. But, I'm here if you need to talk. HUGS
how DID i get here? i think that ALL the time. like how one little thing, one seemingly minor decision you once made could've so drastically changed where you are today. i have no answers for you. but that's what makes life what it is - interesting, fun, and a total pain in the ass sometimes.
as far as that stupid weather, i feel for you. it's not a whole lot warmer in kc. things better start changing soon.
Kirk: I suspect you're becoming more and more human all the time.
Spock: Captain, I see no reason to stand here and be insulted.
Congratulations on your humanity.
Life is a journey...it would seem that what you are experiencing is a speed bump. We all go through it.
I wonder why it took me so damn long to figure out that I really wanted to go to nursing school.
But...
I made one minor adjustment and BOOM!
Here I am.
It can be done.
If you don't like what's happening now, you have two simple choices:
1. deal with it.
2. change it.
Really, it's that easy.
I love your honesty and ability allow us to peek inside your noggin and give you our .02.
You rock, Barb.
[face lick]
all the way in california, i saw a license plate today that said " KSJAYHWK" and i thought of you!
(i never knew what a jayhawk was til i read your blog!)
oh yeah, all the time (esp this year as we're turning 30!!). but the only thing you can change is the future so you can't worry too much about the past. The past is done but it's never too late to change the future. Last year I was SO unhappy where I was so picked up moved and changed pretty much everyone and everything around us. You gotta do what you gotta do.
I think the answers you seek can be found in Mike's new board game.
I once had a conversation with a random girl in a bar (I've had many of those, but this one stood out) about "planning" for life. And she said that too many of go through life with blinders on (like the kind they put on horses who pull carriages) and so we're forced to only look straight ahead instead of at the world around us -- to our left and right.
If we removed the blinders, we'd have a fuller, more complete view of what our life really consisted of and what our choices are. There's not just one path straight ahead: There are many, and some of them move side-to-side.
We were wondering... when is your next blog post?
We're starting to get a little restless here.
Hope you find some answers...hugs!
Feel better...
Amazing post. There will always be more questions than answers. It is the way of the world. But, I hope you find the answers you need to the questions you are asking.
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