To 'thon or not to 'thon? That is the question.
I've been putting a lot of thought into my running lately.
...and I'm going to be honest with you guys. I'm not sure I'm going to be ready for this marathon. Physcially ready? Probably...I can deal with the pain. But mentally ready? Who the hell knows.
The 16 was awful. Awful being an understatement. And then I missed last weekend's 10-miler. I just flat out didn't do it...Ehhh...should I run? Nope! I've got nip/tuck to watch...I've had so much weighing on my mind lately and with all the stress from work, I couldn't bring myself to even lace up my new shoes during the long weekend. Some runner I am, eh? The intention was there...but the motivation wasn't. And so we have 12 this Saturday, which I'm sure will be fine. But still...
I...just...I just don't know anymore.
If I run Chicago...I'm not sure I'm going to do much better than I did before. Sure, you optimists will be all "but it's still improvement" and "you can do it!" and "it's still a great feat no matter what your time is." And that's all fine and dandy...
But i know that 5:30 is too elusive for me. And I know I don't have it in my heart to really attack the asphault and just go for it. It's like I've run out of fuel...
A friend quoted Yoda to me recently..."Do or do not. There is no try."
I'm stuck in the "try" mindset like a fly in a vat of honey. I need to move over to the "Do" side. But I'm having one hell of a time getting myself to it. Having no energy is a big part of it...
Yes, I know I can revisit my marathon goals and change target times and have an infinite number of back up plans just to get it done. A DNF, however, is not an option in my mind. If i'm out there, I'll crawl and claw my way to the end with bloody wrists and kneeds and ankles. I know I'll make it happen (remember how pre-race in Phoenix they said I'd need an IV because I was throwing up?...yah, I don't think so, fuck that I'm running anyway). That doesn't necessarily mean I'll be happy with the performance at the end of the day. I know that once I'm on the carousel I'm completely capable of reaching up there and grabbing that ring, no matter how difficult it may be. I'm just waivering on whether or not I even want to get on the ride.
And of course, this post...this mindset...makes me feel like a disappointment. To my wonderful mentees who have made so much progress over the past few months...to myself...to my family...to mike...and of course, to you guys, my dear RBF who I have so much respect and admiration for. You really are family (and I thank you for that).
...but now I'm not sure if I'm thinking about not running because I can't...or not wanting to. I think I'm just scared. Scared of what's going to happen...
In so many ways, the marathon is a metaphor for life. When the gun goes off, it's a race to the finish. And I simply don't want to race...
Right now, I'm just a broken jayhawk.
I'm sure I'll bounce back. All in due time, right? Do most folks hit bottom like this during training? I've just never had so much self-doubt...
Anthem of the day: Numb. By U2.
...and I'm going to be honest with you guys. I'm not sure I'm going to be ready for this marathon. Physcially ready? Probably...I can deal with the pain. But mentally ready? Who the hell knows.
The 16 was awful. Awful being an understatement. And then I missed last weekend's 10-miler. I just flat out didn't do it...Ehhh...should I run? Nope! I've got nip/tuck to watch...I've had so much weighing on my mind lately and with all the stress from work, I couldn't bring myself to even lace up my new shoes during the long weekend. Some runner I am, eh? The intention was there...but the motivation wasn't. And so we have 12 this Saturday, which I'm sure will be fine. But still...
I...just...I just don't know anymore.
If I run Chicago...I'm not sure I'm going to do much better than I did before. Sure, you optimists will be all "but it's still improvement" and "you can do it!" and "it's still a great feat no matter what your time is." And that's all fine and dandy...
But i know that 5:30 is too elusive for me. And I know I don't have it in my heart to really attack the asphault and just go for it. It's like I've run out of fuel...
A friend quoted Yoda to me recently..."Do or do not. There is no try."
I'm stuck in the "try" mindset like a fly in a vat of honey. I need to move over to the "Do" side. But I'm having one hell of a time getting myself to it. Having no energy is a big part of it...
Yes, I know I can revisit my marathon goals and change target times and have an infinite number of back up plans just to get it done. A DNF, however, is not an option in my mind. If i'm out there, I'll crawl and claw my way to the end with bloody wrists and kneeds and ankles. I know I'll make it happen (remember how pre-race in Phoenix they said I'd need an IV because I was throwing up?...yah, I don't think so, fuck that I'm running anyway). That doesn't necessarily mean I'll be happy with the performance at the end of the day. I know that once I'm on the carousel I'm completely capable of reaching up there and grabbing that ring, no matter how difficult it may be. I'm just waivering on whether or not I even want to get on the ride.
And of course, this post...this mindset...makes me feel like a disappointment. To my wonderful mentees who have made so much progress over the past few months...to myself...to my family...to mike...and of course, to you guys, my dear RBF who I have so much respect and admiration for. You really are family (and I thank you for that).
...but now I'm not sure if I'm thinking about not running because I can't...or not wanting to. I think I'm just scared. Scared of what's going to happen...
In so many ways, the marathon is a metaphor for life. When the gun goes off, it's a race to the finish. And I simply don't want to race...
Right now, I'm just a broken jayhawk.
I'm sure I'll bounce back. All in due time, right? Do most folks hit bottom like this during training? I've just never had so much self-doubt...
Anthem of the day: Numb. By U2.
posted by Iron Jayhawk at 9:11 AM
25 Camper Comments:
This is the hardest part of training. When training for my first marathon, my first 16 mile run was horrible. I cramped up at mile 10 and could only run for 55 seconds without going through muscle spasms (stupidly I finished the last 6 miles). I'd suggest going through one more long run (18 miles) and see how that goes. If it's just as bad, maybe it's best to not go for it.
Mark
Barb--I am so in your camp right now. My mind has had the EXACT same thoughts run through it. In fact, last night I skipped my 5 miler because I wanted to go shopping for some house stuff instead. I really want to get back on the bandwagon here for good...but instead I teter. 26.2 is going to hurt like hell...and I'm just trying to tell myself it will all be worth it once I cross the finish line...don't quit...otherwise I may be even more tempted! WE CAN DO IT!!
You can do it! I'm having some troubles with training as well...I started my training with hopes of a PR, but lately the goal has changed to just finishing...I figured I'd walk, crawl or claw my way to the end somehow! Besides, my room is book, the flight is paid for...I'm going and I'm running!
First of all, we all go through it, so you absolutely are not alone! If I dig down really deep and admit the honest truth, there was a small part of me that was relieved by my ankle injury. Not that I wanted to be injured, but it gave me a "legitimate" reason to quit. Because just before it happend, I was going through the same exact thoughts.
Second, I'm not going to give you a bunch of crap about you can do it, etc, etc. Because you already know that you CAN, the guestion becomes do you WANT to? Frankly, it comes down to this...which will be worse for you to deal with? Quiting now or continuing on knowing that there is a possibility of doing worse or maybe even a DNF at Chicago.
It's a choice that only you can make. But no matter what you decide, we all still love you. We will support you regardless. You are the only one that walks (or runs as the case may be) in your shoes. So, you are the only one who know what's ultimately right for you. Just be sure you are making the choice for yourself and not for anyone else. 26.2 is a hell of a long way to go just because you don't want to let other down when your head really isn't in the game.
Hey Jayhawk. There is nothing wrong with not wanting to exercise to the extreme of what is healthy (injuries to marathoners much?). You're still a great person. Do what you want. Life will march on. Exercise like a normal person as long you want and then, if the mood strikes, do another marathon-b/c you can. Thanks for your candor in this entry.
Aw sweetie. I'm not going to tell you to run it or not to run it. That's up to you. Only you know whether or not you really want to do it, and what your reasons for doing it might be. You know you CAN do it, that's not an issue. I hate training, absolutely hate it. But I love the race day feeling and energy, I visualize the finish line during every long run. I wish every run was butterflies and rainbows, but it's not. You just need to find the joy in your running, be it Chicago or not Chicago. We will love you like crazy whether or not you run it, I couldn't care less if you ever run another marathon again as long as you are happy!
Hang in there. You have completed one marathon. I considered that the challenge. You know in your mind that you can do it. You are just doubting yourself. Hang in there and go one step at a time. The purpose of the long runs are not the time, but the endurance and building the legs muscles so they can carry us to the finish line. Yeah, it hurt like f***ing hell to finish the first one. We learned from our experiences from the first one to carry on to the second one. For me, it's hydrating myself a week before the marathon, which I did not do. It was a HUGE mistake that I paid for the night of the marathon.
Hang in there!!Remember what got you into running in the first place and use that as your focus.
Okay, first off - you've run a marathon. You have nothing else to prove, so really the big question is deciding whether or not you really want to do so.
I'll admit that I have had days/weeks/months where I really don't want to get out there are run. Sometimes I can force myself to run until the mood passes, sometimes I take a break, and do more biking, hiking, or even vegging out in front of the TV. It happens to everyone (except possibly the elites - though I am not sure that they are immune either).
I'd say, keep training (or at least running), but don't worry about Chicago (or any other race). Maybe volunteer to help out with a local 5k or work an aid station.
Go back to the basics - and by that, I don't mean the distance runs, the speed work, the daily log book. I mean, get back to basics to figure out why you started running in the first place. Do some runs without a watch, without keeping track of the miles, without anything other than the basic joy of being active.
(Gry - sry, it's nugai@blogspot again. Blogger is still not taking my login.)
I am not sure I can say anything that hasn't already been said in everyone else's comments. But they are all right - we have all been there and some of us are visiting it again and again (your truly). Last year I had a couple of awful training runs...didn't finish, didn't know how I could possibly do 26.2 miles - what was I thinking? Well, I stuck it out and did my final training run of 20 miles. It was awesome! I am not sure what was different (maybe because I went out with no expectations - just to run and get it done) but I got it done, didn't feel wiped out and was excited. I wanted the marathon to be the next day, I was ready...
But if you aren't truly into it, then why ruin the experience and be miserable? There will be other marathons...
If on the other hand you run it and just have fun, then there is nothing wrong with that. You are still a runner - they can't take that away from you.
DO!!!
Jeez, Barb, you make it all so complicated. The question is simple. DNS or DNF. Which is worse?
(And besides, you already S'd. So ....)
SHUT UP AND RUN!
With all due respect and fondness,
Your faithful mentee,
Margie
While I am a Yoda fan, and have used the same quote your friend did, I do believe Yoda might be wrong. There is a try. And I think trying is more valuable than not trying at all.
NO, NO, NO, NO!!! YOU ARE WONDERFUL!!! Do you need a pep talk? Should I come to Chicago to cheer you up? You are already a sucess, Barb. No second guessing yourself. :-)
You know Tom was having these same thoughts for 3 weeks right after the 1/2 marathon and I'm going to tell you what I told him.
If you are not having fun it isn't worth it. There are always other races and other distances, but if you are heart is not in it its okay. And, on marathon day you want to go out there and run - run if not its okay. Only you know what is best.
I'm up the street if you need anything.
oh barb, i don't even know what to say. i just hope you find peace with whatever decision you make, not just about the marathon but about the other stuff going on in your life.
take care of yourself as a person, as a woman, first. the running will fall into place, however long a distance that is.
:)
Is a marathon PR a goal?
Is finishing the marathon a goal?
Is long distance running a passion?
Is running in general a passion? Is it a physical activity that you use for health's sake?
Or is it an activity to release stress?
OK, I might be getting carried away here. All I'm saying is, not everyone is a marathoner. You have completed one. We know it's an incredible feeling of accomplishment. Many people love half marathons, 5 or 10k's, biking, tennis, yadda yadda.
My point is, just go with the flow. Find what you really enjoy. If you truly have the passion for the marathon experience and everything that goes with it, go for it. If the fire isn't inside you for 26.2, why make yourself miserable. Just remember choosing what's best for you is what's most important.
Rock on!
i don't have a PhD in marathoning, nor have i written any best-selling books, but i do know that if you are second guessing yourself about something, then that's probably a sign that you shouldn't go through with it. Just listen to your body. If it's not feeling this marathon, then don't do it. But don't give up on running either. I'd recommend focusing on some shorter distance events, at least then you will still have something to set your sights on. No matter what you choose to do, you still rock.
Hey Barb
I don't have much to offer because even though I believe in the motivation that can be derived from a blog, a decision such as this must come from within.
I will say however that it is my belief that a huge part of this distance is mental. I am working on getting my head right already.
My friend/coach Dan who has run 6 sub 3:00 marathons says there is only one way to feel when you toe the line. Confident and saying to yourself I am gonna kick this effers ass today. Of course we undrestand kicking ass is all realative, but confidence cannot be underestimated. Good luck!!
No, you're not a broken jayhawk. You're going through something millions of other runners go through. You're not alone. This marathon training is freakin' HARD at times.
You can do this....
Better yet?
We can do this together. I'd be honored to run with you in Chicago. :) We're around the same pace, if you're shooting for better than a 5:30 marathon. I'm shooting for 5:00, but since it's my first, I'll take anything.
Don't give up. Move yourself on over to the DO camp.
YOU CAN DO THIS....WE CAN DO THIS.
Keep training and see how you feel. Don't make a decision based on one or two bad runs. But when the day comes, running should bring you joy, not cast you into a pit of dispair. We have jobs for that. Your metaphor is a good one, but there are lots of races in life, not just one, and not everyone runs the same ones. Haight is right - choose what's best for you.
Hard to give any more thoughts...
TX Runner Girl is right... you know you can do it, but do you really want to do it?
Bob is right also, you need to dig deep and make the decision from within.
We all know none of us simply just show up and run a marathon, we COMMIT to the marathon with our mind, body and soul. We do this because conquering one of the most daunting physical challenges provides an amazing feeling of joy, pride and self-esteem. Are you truly committed?
If not, maybe you've already made your decision. Either way, there's no reason to feel down. You should feel comfortable with making the right decision.
If you decide to opt out, take a step back re-discover why you started running in the first place.
It's hard to say much more than the commenets already...but I'm going to pretend I didn't read them and probably repeat everything they said :-)
I missed a 12 mile run Friday of Labor day, and I ran 7 of a 20 that Sunday. And I could barely get through that. and "run" 7 needs air qoutes because I ran about 5 and walked 2 and took the bus home.
This weekend I got back on the horse and got through all the runs. Everyone goes through that, almost everyone misses runs becuase of work or schedules or stressedoutedness.....it's when you get back on the horse and keep running that counts.
I say run Chicago. You already paid for it...and you might have a great race day and get your 5:30. Now you might not, but Chicago is a fun marathon to run for the sights and so on.
Good Luck with your runs :-)
I say 'thon. But that is only because the 'thon, to me, is so much more than a finish time. It is the entire experience from waking up one day saying "hey, I want to run this marathon" to the day you cross that finish line.
Unfortunately, emotion is part of the experience. It is hard not to get emotional because you have put so much effort into it.
Get some shorter runs in and see how you feel. If for some reason, your heart just isn't into it, it is probably time to start decorating for Christmas. But I am guessing you are just in a funk and, one way or another, you will find your way to that start line come race day.
Barb,
First of all, I want to say that I still consider you a running goddess. I've learned so much just from reading your blog.
I think I know what you are going through, both from my own experiences and what I'm reading on other blogs and hearing from other runners.
You are not alone in your struggle.
Keep running, mighty Jayhawk, and think of all of us out there with you.
ok here's my two cents, take it for what its worth.
i felt the exact same way training for san diego. i. did not. want. to run. anymore.
i had a fantastic 18 miler, came in under my marathon time goal, and it was like once i knew i *could* do it, i was like meh. good enough for me! and i lost all heart.
the marathon... sucked. i mean it sucked big donkey balls. i didn't want to be there. not at one moment did i enjoy it, not the way it *should* have been enjoyed, and it was really hard for me.
i came in a minute slower than i did on my first marathon. I DID WORSE!! and i was pissed, and annoyed, and i quit running, really... for 3 months.
i'm *just now* to the point where i want to run on a regular basis again.
i think there's something to be said for taking it easy, and not pushing to do so much, so *soon*. i, like you, am no "runner". its a struggle. and b/c we're surrounded by the RBF, as glorious as everyone is.. i think that its easy to get caught up in "well.. if they can all do multiple marathons/year, i should too!"...
but we are not you. and you are not us. you have to do this because something deep inside you feels it. there's nothing wrong with losing the desire to run for 5.5 hours. i mean really.
if i had the choice to do it all over again... i would not have signed up for san diego. i don't *regret* it, because it taught me something about myself, but i wasn't ready.
i'm not saying YOU shouldn't run, i'm just saying it happens. and there's not a right or wrong answer, as long as you're doing it because YOU WANT TO.
NOT because you're afraid of what will happen if you DONT.
there's a big difference.
so be sure.
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