I want.
Lately I've spent a lot of time thinking about what I want out of this marathon? I'm not certain what has sparked all of this self-reflection...it could be reading about Susan's post of Incoherently Questioning Reality (the potential for a BQ run), or A. Maria's thoughts on why she runs and the support it generates...it could be because I'm reading Ultramarathon Man...but it's all got me thinking...thinking about what I hope to get out of training this go around and how I trained for Phoenix.
It's so much different than the first time. I started my journey to the Phoenix Marathon in September with the simple goal of just finishing it. I didn't care how long it took or if I had to be wheeled across the finish line on a stretcher...I just wanted to complete the course, get a medal and have eternal bragging rights. It was all wheee...look at me...I can "run" (and I use "run" loosely as I definitely ended up with more walking than running in the marathon).
But I've been there. Done that. It was great...it made me laugh...it made me cry...it was better than Cats.
I just want something more than this time around.
I want more of myself in this race.
I want more of my limits and boundaries and guts spilled out on the course (not literally...not puking is key this go around).
I want to run. hard. strong. smart. As fast as my body will let me run for that distance...without killing myself.
On Monday, October 23rd I want to look back and know that I went as fast as I could and know I gave it everything I had. I look back and Phoenix and really wonder if I gave it 110% on the course. I know I didn't give everything I had with my training and diet. Sure, I finished. But could I have finished faster? stronger? with less pain in my legs? Without a doubt...yes.
I want no regrets. Not that I do have regrets from Phoenix...I just wish I had been smarter about everything.
I want to push myself...push others...and be pushed in return.
I want to shave an hour of my time off. An hour!! That's a really big effing chunk of time. A lot of crap can happen in an hour. An hour off my previous time means I'm looking at a 5:30 'thon. That means I have to be consistently at 12:30 miles. Sure, it's easy for you...but cute, slow, pokey "look at me jog!" me? Conquering a consistent 12:30 pace for 20-something miles is like asking me to cook a 7-course gourmet meal for 20 (seemingly damn near impossible). It's hard (and honestly a great big joke...me cook well? Hahahhaahahaa!)! I'm not complaining though, I'm just trying to be realistic with myself. Can I do 5:30? I don't know. I have my doubts but I tell myself it's within my reach.
I guess in the end it all boils down to training smarter. Which, judging from this past week's events, means no more dancing on stripper tables (not like this was a Saturday night ritual to begin with, I swear!). Limiting beer...wine...sweets (oh gawd, what will I do without my Twix?!!?!?). Reducing junk food drastically (pizza...what's that?!?). Upping my water intake ten-fold (pee much?). And a long laundry list of things I haven't even begun to comprehend. Maybe even eating "no thank you" portions of my veggies (ugh!).
I wanted the whole mental argument over whether or not to run the CDC to finally come to a hault...and as of, oooooohhh...2 hours ago it did. I debated for a while that I should just run the 5k portion of the course and call it good (you still get a super sweet penguin medal for the 5k)...but come on...HOW many freakin' 5k's am I going to let myself run this year? Yah...I've been there. Done that. Slowly...I am getting quicker, though. But I don't push myself...I'm confident I could run a 30-minute 5k. But I don't. I've never even tried to run a sub-30 5k. And I don't know why...I always hold back and go slow...mix in walking and jog at the speed of a snail. That's my sad, silly strategy. I am so freaking lame.
So I'm already locked into the Race to Taste 5k on July 2nd and the Bucktown 5k in October...do I really need the one in August? Absolutely not. I've never done a half marathon so therefore, I am officially going to suck it up and run the Chicago Distance Classic. Not punk it a la traditional Barb style. I'm going to run my ass off during that damn race. I know I won't even be in contention to place or anything, I'd be lucky to be in the top 75% of my age group (no joke)...I just want to see what I'm really made of.
And while it's important to me to be a support system for my mentees, I feel it is equally as important for me to run the race (and run it well...smart.hard.strong.) to get another distance under my belt...so pushing myself in a half distance race will sort of help me figure out a realistic pace to run my remaining long runs at...and eventually, the whole kit and caboodle in October.
So here I sit at my desk...knowing I don't push myself to my maximum potential. Finally openly admitting it to the world. And it makes me sad...and frustrated...and I know I've let myself down. But at the same time, I am scratching my head wondering in awe...in awe of Leah & Jason, Elizabeth, Rae, Audrey, Whitney, Dane and so many others out there...wondering how the hell did you all get to where you are today? What fuels you to push yourself? What makes you want this so badly? What lights a fire under you?
And now that this has evolved into some absurdly long nonsensical rant...I want those of you out there who actually read this to actually help hold me accountable for all "my wants." I want you to call me out when I bail on a distance. I want to know if you think I'm not giving it 120%. I want to be pushed if you're willing to push me around once in a while. Because damnit, I want that 5:30 and I'm not afraid to admit that I need as much help as I can get to get me there.
It's so much different than the first time. I started my journey to the Phoenix Marathon in September with the simple goal of just finishing it. I didn't care how long it took or if I had to be wheeled across the finish line on a stretcher...I just wanted to complete the course, get a medal and have eternal bragging rights. It was all wheee...look at me...I can "run" (and I use "run" loosely as I definitely ended up with more walking than running in the marathon).
But I've been there. Done that. It was great...it made me laugh...it made me cry...it was better than Cats.
I just want something more than this time around.
I want more of myself in this race.
I want more of my limits and boundaries and guts spilled out on the course (not literally...not puking is key this go around).
I want to run. hard. strong. smart. As fast as my body will let me run for that distance...without killing myself.
On Monday, October 23rd I want to look back and know that I went as fast as I could and know I gave it everything I had. I look back and Phoenix and really wonder if I gave it 110% on the course. I know I didn't give everything I had with my training and diet. Sure, I finished. But could I have finished faster? stronger? with less pain in my legs? Without a doubt...yes.
I want no regrets. Not that I do have regrets from Phoenix...I just wish I had been smarter about everything.
I want to push myself...push others...and be pushed in return.
I want to shave an hour of my time off. An hour!! That's a really big effing chunk of time. A lot of crap can happen in an hour. An hour off my previous time means I'm looking at a 5:30 'thon. That means I have to be consistently at 12:30 miles. Sure, it's easy for you...but cute, slow, pokey "look at me jog!" me? Conquering a consistent 12:30 pace for 20-something miles is like asking me to cook a 7-course gourmet meal for 20 (seemingly damn near impossible). It's hard (and honestly a great big joke...me cook well? Hahahhaahahaa!)! I'm not complaining though, I'm just trying to be realistic with myself. Can I do 5:30? I don't know. I have my doubts but I tell myself it's within my reach.
I guess in the end it all boils down to training smarter. Which, judging from this past week's events, means no more dancing on stripper tables (not like this was a Saturday night ritual to begin with, I swear!). Limiting beer...wine...sweets (oh gawd, what will I do without my Twix?!!?!?). Reducing junk food drastically (pizza...what's that?!?). Upping my water intake ten-fold (pee much?). And a long laundry list of things I haven't even begun to comprehend. Maybe even eating "no thank you" portions of my veggies (ugh!).
I wanted the whole mental argument over whether or not to run the CDC to finally come to a hault...and as of, oooooohhh...2 hours ago it did. I debated for a while that I should just run the 5k portion of the course and call it good (you still get a super sweet penguin medal for the 5k)...but come on...HOW many freakin' 5k's am I going to let myself run this year? Yah...I've been there. Done that. Slowly...I am getting quicker, though. But I don't push myself...I'm confident I could run a 30-minute 5k. But I don't. I've never even tried to run a sub-30 5k. And I don't know why...I always hold back and go slow...mix in walking and jog at the speed of a snail. That's my sad, silly strategy. I am so freaking lame.
So I'm already locked into the Race to Taste 5k on July 2nd and the Bucktown 5k in October...do I really need the one in August? Absolutely not. I've never done a half marathon so therefore, I am officially going to suck it up and run the Chicago Distance Classic. Not punk it a la traditional Barb style. I'm going to run my ass off during that damn race. I know I won't even be in contention to place or anything, I'd be lucky to be in the top 75% of my age group (no joke)...I just want to see what I'm really made of.
And while it's important to me to be a support system for my mentees, I feel it is equally as important for me to run the race (and run it well...smart.hard.strong.) to get another distance under my belt...so pushing myself in a half distance race will sort of help me figure out a realistic pace to run my remaining long runs at...and eventually, the whole kit and caboodle in October.
So here I sit at my desk...knowing I don't push myself to my maximum potential. Finally openly admitting it to the world. And it makes me sad...and frustrated...and I know I've let myself down. But at the same time, I am scratching my head wondering in awe...in awe of Leah & Jason, Elizabeth, Rae, Audrey, Whitney, Dane and so many others out there...wondering how the hell did you all get to where you are today? What fuels you to push yourself? What makes you want this so badly? What lights a fire under you?
And now that this has evolved into some absurdly long nonsensical rant...I want those of you out there who actually read this to actually help hold me accountable for all "my wants." I want you to call me out when I bail on a distance. I want to know if you think I'm not giving it 120%. I want to be pushed if you're willing to push me around once in a while. Because damnit, I want that 5:30 and I'm not afraid to admit that I need as much help as I can get to get me there.
posted by Iron Jayhawk at 8:26 AM
12 Camper Comments:
Wow! What a great post.
First of all, I think you might need to give yourself a little more credit for where you are. It's easy to compare yourself to the Leah & Jason's of the running world, and feel like a slacker. To feel like you don't give enough, don't traing enough, aren't fast enough. To feel like you will never be GOOD ENOUGH.
But, Barb, some of us look at YOU, and think the same thing. Those of us that are newer at this than you are. Those of us training for our first marathon, or even our first smaller race, look at those of you who have completed a marathon with awe and admiration.
So, before you start off down your new path, take a few moments to look back at how far you really have come. Look back at where you started when you took that very first running step, and compare it to where you are today. You are a marathoner girl!! That's not something that just anyone can say.
Now, take everything you have learned from the first time around along with the confidence of knowing that you can do it because, hey you already did!
Figure out exactly what you are and are not willing to give up and sacrifice for the training. And get out there and kick some Chicago Marathon ass!!
Barb -
You can do it!!! Phoenix was awesome, but I could not imagine doing Chicago. It would awesome to do something close to home. For me, Twin Cities would great, but I would rather do something more warmer and go somewhere I have never been before.
The important thing is that you need to have fun while you are training along with the goals. Don't put too much pressure on yourself while training. Take it day by day, week by week, etc.
Go out there and just RUN!
Denise
Barb--that post was amazing!! First of all, so happy to hear you will be doing the CDC!! It's gonna be hot as balls out there...but it will be awesome to run it. Maybe we should try to do it together?!!
Secondly, this post proves you want it badly enough...you'll get there for sure!! I'll push you along for sure...but I expect the same in return. :)
You already did one marathon, which is much, much more than most people can say. You'll make your time goal, just stick with it and keep your chin up.
I myself also look at others who are running longer, farther, harder, and faster than I can imagine...but remind myself that I'm doing this for ME!! Keep that in mind Barb...this summer is gonna rock...you're gonna rock the training and you WILL cross that finish line under 5:30!! :)
GO JAYHAWK!!
Oh yeah...you've been tagged...you're it...check out my blog!!
You can totally do this. This post is the first step towards you meeting your time goal. Before today, you may have thought you wanted it, but now you know you want it..and now everyone else knows it to.
you have to also take into account that you have done this distance before. It's definitely easier to train for a marathon when you've got one under your belt already. You already know how to listen to your body, and what to expect from your training runs. Think of it as last time you were fumbling around in the dark to find something, and this time you've turned on the light first.
Shaving an hour off your finishing time IS a lofty goal, but it's totally attainable. Chicago is a good course to set a fast time goal for...more people qualify for Boston in Chicago than in any other marathon, anywhere else in the country. You don't have to train harder, just smarter.
Sharing your goal with everyone is a big part of how you're going to get faster. Knowing now that you've shared your time goal with others will make it easier for you to reach it. You'll feel more accountable for sticking with the planned runs, following your nutrition guidelines, and NOT dropping out of any races between here and October...and that's why this post is such a huge step.
Congratulations on OWNING this race!
I will be here for you every step of the way - if you miss a run call me and I will run with you.
I shaved an hour off my time in between races so I know you can do it as I'm the biggest Slacker in the world. You know what you have to do - you said it yourself you must train harder/smarter but don't feel you have to get off your whole life. You are a runner and one that inspires me.
PS Sunday is good - let me know what time works for you I'm flexible.
Interesting that your first sentence is a question.
As the wise RR has said many times, running is more mental than physical. The first marathon was to see if you could do it. Now that you know you can, you are curious to see what is next. Remember that even in a croud of 40,000 you're really only racing against yourself, and I promiss you will win!
It's great to have goals. We are here to push ya. You will get there I have very little dobut about it.
Listen to the man...I am pretty wise. And once you have that mental edge...it's smooth sailing baby!!! :-)
Hey wanting it is the first step to getting it! You never get anything worth getting by accident!
Just keep reminding yourself every time you want to punk out why you want it and you won't punk out! Simple as that :)
I have complete faith you can run a 5:30. You just have to get out and do the consistent training. Have that hubby of yours run in front of you at marathon pace on all your longs runs and don't let him get away from you!
Having a coach will help tons! You'll get there. Now heal and get ready to train hard and smart girl!!!
Awww! You're so sweet. There's nothing to be in awe of about me. I've been running exactly 2 years now and it amazes me how far I've come. My first 5K was 31 mins and now it's in the mid 24's! The key has been consistancy and pushing myself to go the distance and train hard. Doing a bunch of 5Ks really won't help you with the M the same way working on distance will. You can TOTALLY rock a 5:30!!!!!!!!
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